The Three Worst Ways to Lose Weight

If you follow my quarterly goal reviews, you know one of my goals is to lose weight.  A pound a month until I’m down to 190 pounds at the end of the year.  I generally just watch what I eat during the week and ease up to enjoy the weekends.  As part of my routine, I weigh myself every day to track my progress.  I’ve found that I usually gain a pound or two on the weekends, but lose it again during the week.

But here are three weight loss methods I would NOT recommend:

NUMBER THREE:  COLONOSCOPY

I had one last week.  The prep for it is worse than the procedure – you’re asleep for the procedure.  But the day before, you have to not eat anything.  The only thing I could have was clear liquids, which for me was water and Sprite.

Then, starting at 6:00 pm, you have to drink a cup of this special liquid they give you. That doesn’t sound so bad – until you realize you have to drink a cup every FIFTEEN minutes until you get through three liters.  It takes about three hours.  About 45 minutes in, the flushing out of your intestines starts.  I don’t want to be gross, but Niagara Falls comes to mind.  Then, at 4:00 in the morning of the procedure, you have to drink another liter.  Between that and not eating for a day and a half, I lost 2.4 pounds.

Clean bill of health on that, by the way.

NUMBER TWO:  AN UNDIGESTED BIT OF BEEF

My colonoscopy was Thursday.  Friday morning, I still couldn’t drive, so I stayed home from work.  It seems I am very sensitive to anesthesia.  This also seems to have affected my digestive system.  Saturday morning, I was in our church kitchen helping to get ready for our annual Men’s Barbeque.  I had two slices of tri-tip.   They didn’t go down, they got stuck in my esophagus.  I felt them stuck in there.  I couldn’t move them down into my stomach or throw them up.  I felt so bad, I had to miss the barbeque.  I couldn’t eat or even get down a sip of water.  This went on for THIRTEEN HOURS until I was able to throw one of them up.   But it wasn’t until 4:00 pm today that the other one finally went down.  So far, I lost two pounds.  It might be more when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WEIGHT NOT TO LOSE WEIGHT:  KIDNEY STONES

I wasn’t weighing myself the two times I had kidney stones, but for the three or four days I had them, I ate very little.  I don’t know how many pounds I lost, but my pants did fit looser.

Do not try these methods to lose weight!

Dennis

173rd blog completed.

First Steampunk novel:  74406 words.  <– Past 74,000.  Goal:  80,000.

Second Steampunk novel: 783 words.

Second Steampunk screenplay:  157 pages.

First Steampunk screenplay:  Need to update with notes from the novelization.

Third Steampunk screenplay:  38 pages.

“The Attack of the Killer Copiers”